Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Letting Go...



We just returned from our annual trip out to the Rockies of Colorado and wonderful skiing! We had a fantastic time. I cannot begin to tell you what the mountains mean to me. My words will fall short of the great work God has done for me. These pictures don't capture the absolute beauty that God has created in these mountains. It is breathtaking. The wonder of God's creation - how can I wrap my mind around it!
7 years ago I went out west for my first ski trip. Mind you, my husband had been skiing for many, many years and had encouraged me to go west and hit the slopes. I was of the mindset (growing up w/ a lake house) that the only skiing I would be doing was behind a boat, one ski, and warm weather. That particular year we had been in the middle of another round of fertility treatments. I had ungone surgery the September. My left ovary and tube were removed. I was devastated - one more thing to add to the difficulty of pregnancy for me. For some reason, when my brother in law and sister in law were planning their trip - I said to Jim, let's go! That was in October. In January (knowing we would be on vacation and I might not be skiing if I conceived)- I was undergoing daily injections to stimulate follicle production, alternating daily blood work, with daily ultra sounds. I felt out of control. Emotionally, physically and hormonally! That month - we did not conceive. Let down, tired and really in my heart of hearts knowing deep down that I was not going to get pregnant, I would have to wait until we got back from our trip to try again.
We left for Colorado. OK, now I am an athlete... most things come very easy for me. But I must tell you, the first 2 hours of skiing - I really thought - I won't get this. Well, it wasn't long, and after a lot of falling, bruises, sore arms and muscles I was up and going - I fell in love with skiing!
On the 3rd day of the trip (notice it was the 3rd day) I was riding up a chair lift w/ one of my nieces. I looked out over the expanse of the rockies... the beauty... and I heard God say, "don't live on the 'what ifs' anymore." Not in a loud, booming voice, but a soft whisper in my heart - filling a place I had needed filled for so long. For years, Jim and been trying to get me out west. My response was always "what if we get pregnant" "what if we need the money for fertility" Every decision seemed to be based on me getting pregnant. Now how crazy is that! I was also worried about letting my husband down. Not only did I want a family, but so did he. It was a bumpy road - and I also felt I was letting him down. The problem was mine.
A few months later, in May, on Mother's Day I cried silently through church. My heart was aching - for what at that moment, I didn't know. After service, we went home to change - we were going to Jim's sister's for a brunch. I walked into the bedroom... looked at Jim and said "I am beginning to think that having a baby is not going to happen for us." Jim said he had been feeling that for sometime. I looked at him, tears in my eyes, pain in my heart and said "I can't help but think had you married someone else, you would have a family, children." Jim's repsonse - he took me in his arms and told me I was his family. I cannot tell you the relief. Jim and I were both ok - God took care of us.
I believe the beginning of letting go of the stronghold of unworthiness, barreness happened on that mountaintop. How blessed am I - I had a mountaintop experience on a mountaintop! I can't even look at the mountains without praising and thanking my God! He released me and I let Him!
I belive the aching I had in Church that morning was the pain of letting go of something I had lived with for so long. Infertility. We hear so often on the news, in magazines about infertility success stories is the conception and delivery of a child. Well, I am living proof that not always do the success stories of infertililty result in a child being born. Sometimes a child is not conceived... but a life filled with God, a heart that had an empty spot - filled! God can heal! God will give you peace! With Him - you can let go - of any stronghold, heartache, sadness. It might take time (as it did for me) healing doesn't usually happen overnight - but if you let go, let God be BIG. trust Him with your whole heart, Believe HIM you will have peace! Listen for His response to your prayers - not the one you have dreamed for yourself, but the dream He has for you!
I hope the following verse can give you as much comfort as it has me over the years...
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." ~ John 16:33

4 comments:

Kelley at Aroma of Joy said...

Kristen,
What a beautiful expression of your heart! I so often wonder why things happen the way they do. Why did I just keep getting pregnant and I have friends who can't. I have a good friend now who is devasted by infertility. She said to me once,"God draws some people to Him through being a parent and others to Him through not being able to be a parent." I am so glad you have found peace with your situation and I can tell from what I have seen and read here that you bless many children's lives!

God Bless You!,
Kelley

elaine said...

Kristen:

You are right...there are some vulnerabilites worth sharing, and I can't help but wonder how many have been and will be helped by your walk of faith. You've done the hard thing, my friend. You've trusted God with your life. How many of us can boast a similar portion?!

By the way, I continued my sob through Bible study, but my women are great...perhaps some of the greatest women I've known. I bragged about you tonight, along with a friend here (not by name)...about how your encouragement arrived in a timely manner today. Beth's video was about "infusing our sisters with courage"...giving them the lift they need to get back up again.

You have done that for me! And by the way, I'm a mountain girl. Your either a water girl or a mountain girl, and I'm opting for a home in the hills one day.

peace~elaine

CTLarson said...

I was touched as I read your story about letting go of your dream and really trusting GOD to heal you. My mountaintop experiences (both physical and spiritual) have been similarly life-changing. Somehow when I'm surrounded by the beauty of GOD's creation, my heart is quiet and I have opportunity to listen for His voice. I'm glad the same has been true for you. Your story will inspire many, Kristen!

Love in Christ,
Carolyn xoxo

Holly said...

What a very beautiful heart you have, Kristen. I am so glad that you shared the words God spoke to your heart. They are for me, too. No more "what if" living. Good words! And unbelievable, wonderful God!!

Love,
Holly

PS I cannot believe it's almost the same exact spot by Lake Dillon.
Next time you are here, call me and we can get together for a coffee or cocoa!